Misery

How bad does it have to get before you are ready to admit you have a problem?

There are three things a person needs to begin a successful journey of recovery.  First, you need enough MISERY.  Second, you need enough WILLINGNESS.  And three, you need a good dose of HUMILITY.  If you have all three of these ingredients, you’re ready to take certain steps to get well and find new life.  If you have only two of them, chances are slim that you won’t relapse.  If you only have one…you can pretty much count on one or more relapses.  If you have none of them, you just haven’t hit your true rock bottom yet and you’re not done experimenting with your addiction.

MISERY.  WILLINGNESS.  HUMILITY.  Those are the key ingredients to successful recovery.

Being a recovered alcoholic and addict myself, I get the pleasure of working closely with other men and couples that are struggling with different forms of addiction.  Recovery, in general, is very messy business.  Every person and their situation has different nuances and unique “knots” that must be unraveled for them to find sobriety and serenity.  My friend (and sponsor) likes to say recovery is like trying to unknot a large ball of tangled yarn.  Each strand must be pulled out slowly, gently, thoughtfully and skillfully or you just end up with a more tightly knotted ball of yarn.  That’s SO TRUE about the process of recovery.  Yet, with all the uniqueness of each situation, every true ADDICT or REAL ALCOHOLIC is the same in many other ways.  We all LIE.  We all BELIEVE lies.  We all MINIMIZE.  We all CAN’T STOP doing what we are doing on our own power.  Don’t think for a minute that you are any different or special if you really have an addiction. We all have a story that God can and will use to help others if we’ll join him on the journey of recovery.

But the starting point of recovery, the foundation or platform from which to build a truly recovered life, is that momentously agonizing event affectionately known as “rock bottom.”  Rock bottom is hard.  Rock bottom is definitive.  Rock bottom is PAINFUL.  If it’s not, it’s not rock bottom.  Rock bottom is found at the very moment in a person’s life when they surrender and finally say to themselves, “I’m not $%*#@!% doing this anymore!” 

Now we’re talkin’. 

Hollywood celebrity Ben Affleck gets it…

Affleck also revealed that once he hit rock bottom, it took a year and a half to get sober.

“The cure for addiction is suffering, you suffer enough, that something inside you goes, ‘I’m done,’” he said of getting clean. “I’m lucky because I hit that point before I lost the things that were most important. Not my career or money — it was my relationship with my kids, and when I felt as if it impacted them, I recognized it.”

Affleck added, “It was the worst day of my life. I made amends … But since that day, I swear to Christ, I have not ever wanted to drink once.”

https://pagesix.com/2021/12/14/ben-affleck-id-still-be-drinking-if-i-stayed-married-to-jennifer-garner/

Here’s a summary of some of the rock bottoms I’ve seen as I’ve been around recovery for a while…

• • I decided to check myself into rehab after I had to spend a night in jail from an arrest for public drunkenness. That was when I decided to get some help.

• • I got my third DUI when I ran into another vehicle and killed someone. I spent 7 years in prison for manslaughter, lost my license to drive and was sued by the family I hit.  It took going to jail for me to start getting help for my alcoholism.

• • I had to file a bankruptcy and spent thousands on the cost of rehab for my recovery – I went into SIX different rehabs. After the sixth time, I finally became willing to admit I had a serious drinking problem.

• • I broke my wife’s trust because I lied for years about my infidelity. When my affair was discovered, she demanded that I leave the house and threatened to divorce me.  That’s when I reached out to some people at church and told them I had a problem.  That was the beginning of recovery for me.

• • When my wife found out I cheated on her and that I had hooked up with another woman I knew I had a problem. I signed myself up for a sex addiction recovery conference and started working on myself.  I know I deserve for her to leave, but I don’t want her to, and I’m determined to get better no matter what.

• • I got fired from my job because I was looking at porn at my work. That’s what it took for me to decide to get serious about my porn addiction.

• • I got arrested for sending a pornographic image of a person under 18 to a friend and I was charged with a felony. The judge demanded that I get involved in a program for sex and porn addiction.  I had to have a judge tell me I had a problem before I decided I was going to do something about it.

• • I was tired of trying to hide my porn activity – deleting emails, clearing my internet browser history, impulsive masturbation, feeling guilt and shame every single day when I woke up. It felt like I was constantly holding a beach ball underwater – totally exhausting.  After I heard a speaker at a marriage conference say it was cowardly to keep secrets from your spouse, I finally decided I needed to come clean with my wife and tell her everything.  That was the worst day of our lives but it was the start of my recovery.

• • I got caught in a sting operation at an illegitimate massage parlor that was a front for prostitution. I made a plea deal to stay out of jail but had to do community service.  That’s what it took for me to reach out and ask for help.

Everybody’s bottom is different.  Some aren’t so bad – we call these “high bottom” cases.  Others are REALLY, REALLY bad – the “low bottom” cases.  My sponsor always told me each individual person gets to determine their own rock bottom.  He also warned me that “there’s a bottom below the bottom you know,” meaning I can always decide to go out for more misery.  Once you’ve had enough MISERY, you become WILLING to do whatever it takes to get well.  THAT’S the start of true recovery. 

I’ve seen another set of people that hit something hard, but it’s not quite hard enough to get them to truly pursue recovery.  These folks are on very dangerous ground.  Here’s a few examples I’ve heard out of this crowd…

• • I rolled my car and totaled it in an accident when I was drunk. I was arrested for DUI and the judge made me go to mandatory AA meetings.  Even after that, I’m still not sure I want to stop drinking.  I just need to cut back on my drinking and stop drinking hard liquor.

• • My wife threw me out of the house when she found out I was sexting and hooking up with other women using texts and dating apps. I talked to some guys at my church that offered to help me and they suggested I go to a sex and porn addiction conference, but I don’t want to spend the money.  I’m committed to stop what I was doing but I don’t need to go to a conference.

• • I got a DUI for driving after I smoked weed. I got out of it with just a fine.  My parents want met to go to AA or NA meetings, but I don’t think I’m like those people there.  I promised myself I’ll only smoke when I don’t have to drive anywhere because its legal now.

• • My wife found porn on my computer and demanded that I go to counseling. I put a porn filter on my computer at home, but not on my phone because it belongs to my work.  I’ll go to a counselor as long as I get to choose the one I want.

• • I got arrested for being drunk in public after I got in a fight at a bar. My wife told me she wasn’t going to allow alcohol in our house anymore.  I promised her I would only drink when we went out to dinner or a party and I’d limit myself to three beers and no hard liquor.  She doesn’t believe I can keep my promise, but I’m committed.

Most of these people still believe they can control or stop their substance abuse or behavior on their own power, with their own resources and strategies.  Do you see the difference between the ones that hit a true rock bottom and those that haven’t yet?  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, “If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right-about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!” (pg. 31)

Most people that haven’t truly hit rock bottom are still trying to control their addictive behavior in one way or another on their own power.  If you’ve truly hit rock bottom…you’ve had enough MISERY that you’re now WILLING to take responsibility for your own recovery and to do whatever it takes to get well.  And if you have enough HUMILITY to admit you need help, you are right where God wants you to be.

Now let’s start your journey to become the person God designed you to be by taking that FIRST STEP.

Things you’ll need for the journey:

• BIG BOOK of Alcoholics Anonymous – BUY NOW – CLICK HERE

• 12 Steps and 12 Traditions – BUY NOW – CLICK HERE

• Journal