When Willingness Wanes

Probably the most common place that people get stuck in their recovery journey is when they lack the amount of willingness necessary for the journey.  It’s that moment when your heart and mind agree to NOT do the things necessary to move forward.  At its core, it is a stubborn, prideful attitude of refusal to do what God and/or others are suggesting for us to do.

Willingness can be defined as being eagerly compliant. It means doing something out of choice and not because of coercion. When people become willing to do something, it means their minds become more open and receptive. They consider doing things that in the past may have appeared objectionable. Willingness means embracing change rather than fighting it.

Lack of Willingness and Recovery

It is not possible to find success in recovery unless you are willing to put in the necessary effort. That’s because personal change can’t occur until you give it permission to happen. Addiction is driven by a strong urge to escape reality and hide in chemical or emotional numbness – there must be a powerful driving force supporting recovery or it just doesn’t happen. This power comes from willingness.

Reasons for Lack of Willingness in Recovery

There are a number of reasons for why an individual may lack the willingness to recover:

• Some people enter recovery because they feel coerced in some way. They may have decided to accept help because of pressure from family and friends and not because they really want to be sober. This usually means that this individual will be using recovery as a way to buy time. As soon as they feel that it is safe for them to return to their addiction they will do so.

• Many addicts suffer from ambivalence. They have feelings, thoughts and attitudes that are contradictory. They may have a strong desire to enter recovery and escape the pain of addiction while at the same time having a strong desire to continue with the alcohol or drug abuse. Until this ambivalence towards substance abuse is resolved, it will be difficult for the individual to summon enough resolve to finally quit their addiction.

• Some individuals have unrealistically high expectations of recovery, and they become disappointed when things do not happen as expected. This disappointment may mean that their willingness to stay sober begins to wane. It takes time to rebuild a life away from alcohol and drugs, and if people have expectations that are too high, they will be let down.

• The individual can become stuck in their recovery, and this is a drain on their willingness. The usual reason for why people become stuck is that they are faced with a problem that they do not want to deal with. Until they face this challenge, there can be no further progress. Instead the individual either relapses or becomes a “dry drunk,” doing their best to simply “white-knuckle” their addiction.

• Sometimes, people in recovery will start off with a great deal of determination, but then run out of steam. This usually happens when they develop “pink cloud syndrome” – when the addict becomes so joyful at escaping their addiction that they lose touch with reality. Staying sober starts to feel effortless – “This is EASY!”  the say to themselves.  The individual begins to take it for granted and “rest on their laurels.” When the pink cloud ends, and people are once again faced with reality or have to start actually dealing with their negative consequences, they can find it hard to summon up the willingness to get back on track.

• If the individual has expectations of recovery that are too low, they may be willing to settle for very little. This is a real shame because sobriety offers wonderful opportunities and positive consequences for those with enough willingness and determination.

• Memory can be a treacherous thing sometimes. People can forget how miserable things were at the end of their addiction. They can start to think back to those days when it felt like alcohol or drugs brought them pleasure. This is known as “romancing” the drink or drug, and it can sap the willingness to stay sober if it is allowed to continue unchecked.

• Some individuals will have other mental health problems as well as their addiction. If people have untreated depression, or another dual diagnosis, they will find it difficult to maintain their willingness to stay sober. This is because the other condition will make recovery unsatisfying and prevent progress.

Willingness and Hitting Rock Bottom

Rock bottom is sometimes described as reaching a point where the individual is, sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. There is no reason for why people need to lose everything in order to hit their rock bottom. They just need to reach a point where they have had enough. Some individuals will hit their rock bottom without losing very much at all. It’s like going down in an elevator. It is up to the passenger to decide where they want to get off. There is absolutely no benefit from staying in the elevator all the way to the bottom, because this means death – the “supreme sacrifice.”

Once the individual has fully decided that they have had enough of addiction they will finally be willing to do whatever it takes to escape. The Big Book of AA refers to this as having the “desperation of drowning men.”  This kind of willingness is a force that provides them with the energy to take the correct steps to end the addiction. It means that they will finally be ready to make use of available resources such as rehab, therapists, conferences, groups, getting a sponsor, working the 12 Steps, etc.

Willingness and the 12 Steps

In 12 Step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous, they emphasize that the member needs to be willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. It is not possible for the individual to complete the 12 steps unless they have a high degree of willingness. This is because it involves taking action that the addicted mind would rebel against. The member never graduates from these 12 Step programs, so this willingness will need to be something they are able to maintain indefinitely – a new way of living using the simple set of tools that are the 12 Steps.

Willingness and HOW

HOW is an acronym for what is needed to find success in recovery. The acronym stands for:

• Honesty
• Open-mindedness
• Willingness 

It describes the state of being ready to change and take risks in order to become the man God wants you to be. 

The Key to Willingness in Recovery

Willingness is a mental attitude that can insure success in recovery from addiction. These are its major components:

• If the individual is truly willing to escape their addiction they will do whatever it takes. It involves having an open mind about any potential resource that can help them. Those who are truly willing do not have a long list of recovery options that they are not even prepared to consider.

• Willingness involves a degree of humility. The individual no longer believes that they have all the answers. They are prepared to listen and learn from the experiences of other people.

• If the individual is willing to stay sober, they will make this their number-one priority in life. This is because they realize that making a life away from addiction requires a great deal of effort. It will not be achieved overnight. The willing individual will be prepared to devote however long it takes to rebuilding their life.

• Those who are willing to escape addiction will want to make the best use of all the available resources that can help them. They will take responsibility for their own recovery and see addiction specialists as partners there to help them. The willing individual does not passively wait for other people to fix them. They take action to make this happen.

• Willingness does not mean becoming passive. The individual still needs to question things and make decisions. It does usually mean being a bit more open-minded about possible solutions.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to assess your level of willingness:

• Describe the GAP between who God created you to be and who you are right now?
• How many days do you think you have left here on planet earth?
• How long are you WILLING to WAIT before you start working on closing the GAP between who you are today and who God designed you to be?

What to do when you realize you don’t have enough willingness:

• Gratitude – practice being grateful by writing a daily gratitude list. Commit to writing a short list of things you are thankful for every day for 30 days.  This can be small things like, “a great meal last night,” or “the way my dog greets me when I get home.”  Or seemingly inconsequential things that maybe you’ve taken for granted like, “the dew on the grass this morning” or “my warm bed I get to rest in.”  Or it could be big, important and valuable things like, “my mom,” or “the way God loves me,” or “my job.”  All of us have myriad things we can be thankful for if we’ll only acknowledge them.  It is almost impossible to have humility without gratitude, and humility is a key component of willingness.  Make a daily gratitude list for 30 days and notice how much your heart will change.

• Praise – practice praising God by writing a list of God’s attributes that you are grateful for. Make a playlist of your favorite worship songs and listen to it every day at some point in the day and sing along.  Put it on in the car when you drive to work instead of the radio or the news.  Try quietly humming or singing a simple song of worship to yourself in the moments when you are alone during the day.  Or better yet, find a quiet place where you can sit for even just a few minutes each day and thank God for his attributes and who he is to you – his love, his grace, his forgiveness, his patience, his wisdom, his power, etc.  The Bible says that God’s blessings come as a result of praise… 

“May the peoples praise you, O God, may all the peoples praise you.  Then the land will yield its harvest and God, our God will bless us.  God will bless us and all the ends of the earth will fear him.”  – Psalm 67:5-7

        Praising God and thanking him for who he is can’t help but produce humility which gives way to willingness.

• Confession and Forgiveness – Acknowledge God’s goodness and forgiveness by writing a list of things he’s forgiven you for.   It’s a different kind of gratitude list, thanking God for forgiving you for every small and large thing you’ve done that brings a sense of guilt or shame.  “God, thank you for forgiving me when I lost my temper this morning,” or “thank you for forgiving me for the way I looked lustfully at that woman today.”  The Bible says that God’s kindness is what leads us to repentance (willingness).  Acknowledging God’s amazing grace in our lives develops more and more humility, giving way to new amounts of willingness needed to move you forward. 

“God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance…”  – Romans 2:4